pick a card, any card memorize
that card, return it to the deck
every time her baby brother did a sleight of hand
she rolled her eyes and groaned
he smiled from the seat of his unicycle
shuffled the deck like an accordion
slid coins out from behind her ear and twinkled slyly
when she begged to know the secret
but when he slipped
over the international date line
into a kayak on the Tasman Bay
she felt the disappearance like a knife
in the misty morning
we pried ourselves loose
unmasked
rinsed our dream faces
transformed
we rolled out the constricted part
in an effort toward balance
one leg at a time
finally engaged core remembered itself
and held us still
meanwhile, my mother waned
language loosened and access blurred
into a vague decision
choosing between soup and stir-fry or
an endless search for PIN codes and insurance
cautious walks across fields of goose poop
to marvel at the pond
then, my dead brother emerged as I sipped my bitter coffee
his soft gaze in the midst of forever
and a longing rose
the fervent wish that conscious and safe were possible
that Quan Yin could actually usher the final sufferer
through a gateway
that awaken would mean something brighter than morning
stronger than ozone
a permanent status update
of alive
of free
of home
Susy can still blink
one for yes
two for no
her older brother shakes the wheelchair
to wake her for news and photos of
my 8 year old son and new love
her head lolls
he wipes the corners of her mouth
his wife eats her salad
chats about diaper changes
and disappointment
the latest decline, short-term memory loss
while my voice brings the remnants of a smile to her lips
I kiss her dry forehead, rub her feet contracted en pointe, a dancer’s pose
her hands fall gracefully across the magazine in her lap, “fancy weekend getaways”
we joke, her caregivers and I, as she slips in and out of sleep
I tell her I will meet her here again
when they return in six months
to fill her pump
her brother says
she looks as if she wants to cry
but I suspect a denser wish
into the mirror
she alters perspective in order
to salvage some coherence
amidst the whirl
of myriad personas
anger is her 3rd rail
a dangerous electricity
inhabits her low back
afternoon reflects her outline
a suspect genealogy
someone of partial remembrance
a bony contour
a hand-me-down clock
the leotard her body danced
she exchanges herself
with time emerges partial
to her own integration
slow lilt of saxophone
eases across the room
stirs into us as we write
our way toward order
each line winds
with the reedy song
and bends our minds
with new mood
focused on lilt
we sip from various mugs
the honey sweetened tea
of choice
as the tempo up-ticks
stories evolve and we dance
down the page
our pens and pencils
sway, jot, swirl
and glide
everyone has a belt
cinched to the nearest
awkward moment
their neckties are creative
in that Frank Lloyd Wright
Jerry Garcia design modality
forks on the left
linen napkins neatly pleated
and the difference between white
or red wine glass
includes extra cabinets
Oh, martini ice
Oh, swizzle stick
Oh, olive tongs
dark shoes are in store
because they lay the foundation
for going through the paces
No one grins or guffaws in public
No one admits to the spittle on the pillow
No one discusses incontinence
carefully composed memories
preserved between the leaves
of ancient tissue paper
are stored in coordinated bins
this is a straight and narrow path
with minor pitfalls
and unmentioned hair dye
divorce, botox, arthritic hips
focus reigns
and weather dictates outer gear
vacation options; downhill, cross-country
and in the wake
if the path to work emanates scents of
lavender and jasmine when people rustle past
and the French doors stay open
and another collage awaits glue
quiet can spread over
the day like silk
and whatever familiar sorrow arises
with its choke of tears
while nearby children’s voices
trill through the air
in this inner silence
truth can emerge
prebiotics enhance the flora
of my microbiome
if I google myself
disappointment zings upwards
there is no metaphor for now
but the quest continues to haunt
fall grey casts its pall over morning
despite bitter coffee antidote
every ounce lost
increases endorphins
its an MMA world
in a virtual medium
neither Warrior Pose nor Downward Dog
adjust this curvature
all over the map
silence pervades
on a lonely trend
other ceases to exist
pleasantry resonates narcissism
any number of bells toll
two hours of dominant paradigm shopping
results in moving meditation
only gratitude can balance this
collection of detritus
fish shaped purses, 1960’s lunch boxes, cookie tins
all stacked, in wait
what appears empty fills with story
once upon a lunchtime
inside the pockets
worthless charms
stuffed animal comfort logic
a language of inertia
earlier still, the confines of womb structure
permeates memory
back into current
the entitlement ring reminder emanates
self growth comes at the cost of
lost causes
even with everyone intact
the circle can shrink
but the spiral holds hope
that potential return
alone, with each other
we depart from past imprisonment
forge a new path through this desert
parched, rasping, terrified, stricken
isolated or antagonized
ever in search of hope
the antidote to viral danger
grief over grief every step
of the way toward accord
a truce as awkward as peace
as complex as reconciliation as
we let go
open to freedom
you are the luck of my life
whether deep laughter, mouths wide
familiar jaws and teeth exhibited
or the slow choke of tears, eyes welled
I lean toward your confidence
welcome the sturdy warmth
your voices settle my stomach
clear the air
your handwriting relaxes me
I focus inward
without such connections
I would stagger
falter with each sentence
nothing would make sense
and the closest I would get
to inside of myself
would be a tour through
my walk-in closet
there is safety in the company we keep
it keeps me alive, thank you